Vance Roberts has also kindly commented on the other poems.
Poem #1, As I Fall Deeper Into The Mist by
QNH1010
I liked the thought behind this one. It was, however, let down by
the obtrusive but irregular rhyme. Again, I would have suggested
either a much more definite structure, or free verse.
"Them" in line three jarred with me. Does it refer to life, in
which case it should be singular, or does it refer to the shadows.
I felt that it needed a re-think to clarify the point. The final
couplet was a nice idea but, for me, the shorter lines seemed to
undercut, or trivialise, the validity of the serious point which
was being made.
Poem #2, A B C D for Thy Self by
MoonIce
I liked the idea of the simple things being sufficient but, yet
again, it lacked structure. The constant repetition of "Keeping ...
within" was overplayed. Had it just been used in the opening and
closing stanzas then I think it would have had more power.
Repetition is fine in the right context, such as a villanelle, but
here I felt that it weakened the writer's premise. The final line
deserved to make more of an impact than it actually did. Combining
it with a revamped repetitive method as suggested above could have
helped with that.
The misuse of the apostrophe should have been checked and remedied
before submission.
Poem #4, The Two of Us by
Keii
Poor scansion gets in the way here and stops the poem flowing.
There is not clear metrical pattern and line length appears almost
random. Again, I would suggest that a writer either adopts a clear
structure and maintains it, or chooses to let sense and/or layout
rule and keeps to a free verse format.
I felt that this poem stated the "facts" of a relationship but gave
the reader no emotional touchstones. If I had been allowed to share
a secret - flowers, a ring, a meeting-place - then I would have
felt an attachment to one or both of the characters.
Poem #5, Twisted by Koo Wai
Mun
This is another example of a poem that would probably work better
if read aloud. Vagaries of scansion are more obvious on the page. I
had the feeling that it was written as a challenge, a task, rather
than because the writer had something specific to say. The use of
only one rhyme became wearing.
What does line two actually mean? The "clay" image in line three
was good but line two seemed simply to be there to keep the pattern
going.
Poem #6, For the Love of Pho by
expiringpoet
This was an amusing idea but it was let down by poor structure and
lack of detail. Someone eating a food they love gives lots of scope
for comic detail: lips smacking, dribbling and general carefree
table manners could all have been given more description to good
effect. I think that the confessional aspect could have been built
up rather more at the opening to give more of a sense of bathos
when the reader realises the true nature of the "sin."
I also found that the rhyme was mis-handled.
Poem #7, He Sits Alone Staring by
airgrinder
This entry had so much potential. We could have been made to feel
much more (or less if the writer preferred) sympathy for the old
man. Instead we were left with a sense of disjointedness and missed
opportunity and have to struggle to form the narrative.
The attempts at onomatopoeia in the opening stanzas were
encouraging but unfortunate. Sadly, the resemblance of "pis" to the
word "piss" took away the value of the first instance and in stanza
two I simply felt that doors do not go "Clink Clank Boom!" If these
sounds were actually a reference to the computer games, then a
clearer structure was needed to clarify the point.
There was also some confusion of tenses.
Poem #8, Food For Thought by
preya
In many ways I liked this. The sense of personification of "food
for thought" was a sound idea and I enjoyed the feeling of
malevolence which came across well but, as with so many of the
other entries, I felt that structure needed a lot more thought. The
first stanza in particular was quite impenetrable. The use of
"poetic" language is not sufficient. A poet's aim should be
communication.
Poem #9, Utmost Supremacy by
binarynwitz
Once more, I felt that the chosen form obscured any meaning. The
overpowering rhyme in the first stanza, together with the poor
grammar in line two, put me off almost before I had begun. The
formal, imperious tone also seemed, to me, to be a mistake and I
was left with the feeling that the writer was thinking too much
about "writing a poem" and not enough about what he/she really
wanted to say. I confess that I did not really know what the
intention was. There was clearly some sincerity in here but that
alone is not enough.
Poem #10, Anorexic Satiation by Koo Wai
Mun
I found that the chosen form overwhelmed any real meaning. It would
probably be more effective if read aloud but did not really work in
this context. A phrase such as "this odious bane" seemed to me to
demonstrate only an adherence to rhyme and added little to, in fact
probably confused, the meaning. The rather high-sounding,
declamatory tone also served to obscure rather than clarify. If the
writer wished to make a point about the sense of paradox in eating
disorders (or to use them as a metaphor for some other human
condition) then a more straightforward approach would have paid
dividends.
Poem #12, A Bowl of Humble Maggi Mee by
expiringpoet
This had a gentle sense of humour which I enjoyed but I felt that
there was no real depth to it. The idea of pleasure
now being preferable can have much validity but I
felt that the poem failed to explore this. I also felt that the use
of rhyme and half-rhyme was obtrusive and detracted from the
content; ditto the metrical structure.
